


How the Crew of the USS Enterprise Found Out Kirk and Spock Were Banging

by Buenaventura



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 17:38:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7901707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buenaventura/pseuds/Buenaventura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My husband and I have this game we play where we drink a little wine, get our computers, and spend 5-10  minutes typing up a story. Then we switch computers and have to continue the story. It's a little bit insane and a lot silly, so read it or don't, it's just for fun!</p>
            </blockquote>





	How the Crew of the USS Enterprise Found Out Kirk and Spock Were Banging

“Goobely gobble gook,” gurgled the alien. 

Kirk looked over at Spock, raising his eyebrow unconsciously mirroring Spock most frequent facial expression. Spock however would deny that any expression had ever graced his cat-like features. 

“Well this is fantastic,” Bones interjected, sarcasm dripping off the end of his sentence. 

The three of them looked around at the barren planet, the rest of the away team was no where to be found. Cupcake had mysteriously disappeared. 

“Kirk to Enterprise! Kirk to Enterprise!” 

No one replied.

“Well shit,” muttered Kirk.

“So nowwww you’ll admit that you are an incompetent imbecile?” 

“Hey! I am still the captain of this ship…. Even if we’re not on it ….. And we don’t know where it is…..” His voice trailing off, deep in thought. 

“Where the fuck is Cupcake?” Kirk muttered outloud, peering around the landscape.

The mysterious alien burped, “Bluuuuuurrrrppppppp gobbley goooobley gurpadurp chirp chirp”

“And can we shut this guy up? I can’t even hear myself think!” Bones shouted. 

At this, Spock turned without saying a word, and nerve-pinched the alien. It fell to the ground in a crumpled heap.

Kirk and Bones both turned, mouths gaping wide open as they stared incredulously at their First Officer. 

“SPOCK?! What the hell was that?”

Spock turned, wide eyed and innocent, “Why, I believed that rendering the life-form unconscious would provide us with the opportunity to sort out this situation with the utmost efficiency.” 

Kirk continued to sputter, Bones however had no such compunction. 

“GOOD LORD MAN. You couldn’t have done that five minutes ago? Or countless other times we’ve been stranded on some god forsaken planet with no food, no communication and no transporter capabilities??!!” Bones began to hyperventilate towards the end.

Spock turned to Bones with absolutely no expression on his slightly green face,  
“Doctor, if you can not manage to calm yourself, I may need to render you unconscious as well.” 

“WHY YOU GREEN BLOODED HOBGOBLIN!!” At this Kirk stepped between the two of them, hands outstretched to keep them apart. 

“Easy! Easy you two! It’s hard enough being in this situation without you turds fighting each other.”

“Captain I fail to see your metaphor as us as fecal matter. Or how it is relevant to our situation.”

“That’s it! I’m gonna rip his pointy little ears off!” Bones roared as he attempted to get around Kirk. 

“You leave me no choice doctor,” Spock claimed as he calmly reached over and nerve pinched Bones.

“Spock! Dammit! We don’t need this right now.” 

“The doctor was hysterical. He was not helping our situation, and was putting us in further danger by making our presence more pronounced.”

“That’s no reason to use your damn Vulcan witchcraft and put him out like our little friend here.”

“We do not know if this creature is friend or foe yet-”

“Dammit Spock it’s an expression!”

As the two lovers squabbled, they didn’t notice the alien slowly stirring and getting to its feet. 

“GOOBLY GAOBBLE KOORKER SQUARKER!”

“Oh shit. Spock, he’s awake! What do we do?”

“Since our Universal Translator still appears to be non-functional, I suggest a swift kick to the gonads.”

“A say what now?” Kirk blurted. 

“A blow to the gonads is often quite effective when it comes to rendering an opponent functionless. In some species, it can even result in tears, or at worst, loss of consciousness and death.” 

“God lord man..” Bones grumbled from the ground, “Why did you DO that?” he cried, clutching his head. 

“I told him not to do it Bones I really did.”

“Sure you did you pile of cow patties.” 

“Hey! I know it leaves a hell of a headache!”

“Does it?” Spock said with interest. 

“How do you know so much about gonads?” Kirk asked, smirking. 

“I am well acquainted with the anatomy of many species -”

“Good Lord, it’s like talking to a computer,” Bones groaned as he climbed to his feet. 

The three started squabbling, and as they did, Kirk gazed around and noticed something missing. 

“Guys! Guys! Where’s our little friend?” Kirk screamed.

“Captain, we do not yet know if-”

“Shut up you damn robot!” 

“BONES STOP IT,” bellowed the Captain, “I will NOT have you insulting my god damned husband RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!”

“Captain ---” “Your WHAT?” 

“Oops…” Kirk said, looking bashful. 

“Captain, I thought we had agreed not tell our coworkers….” 

“JIM YOU MARRIED THIS COMPUTER?”

“Has he sucked your cock?”

“WHAT??”

“I mean - uhhh,” Kirk stammered, backtracking. 

“WHAT???” Ahora scurried over, no longer paying attention the translator.

“It’s ok captain.” Spock motioned for Kirk to stay silent.

“I am very comfortable with my abilities to pleasure the phallus of a male”

“GOOD LORD SPOCK STOP TALKING.” 

“But Jim, I thought you quite enjoyed my cock-sucking abil---”

“STOP IT MAN! I never wanted to hear that word out of the hobgoblin’s mouth! Now I need a brain purge! God I hate space, what I wouldn’t give to have the Georgia pines swaying over me instead of an old married couple bickering.”

“Forget it! Just forget it all, and let’s concentrate on getting back to the Enterprise!”

“Fine,” said Bones glumly as he climbed up off the ground and dusted off his uniform. 

“KRAAAAAAAA” suddenly a high pitched scream cut through the silence of the dusty dry vagina planet as their creepy little friend from earlier lept onto the Captain’s back and tried to strangle him.

Jim fell to the ground in a dramatic heap and began to roll around like it was 1971 and there was nothing else that would save him. 

Spock tried to leap into the fray, and only succeeded in getting a handful of his green dick getting grabbed by the alien. 

“FUUUUUGUG” a stream of mixed english and vulcan curses fell from Spock’s mouth as well as an insane amount of drool. 

Bones stood there, in shock, unsure of what to do. Uhura rushed to the scene, and stopped dead with her jaw open. 

Spock continued to curse and drool, while punches and penises flew everywhere.

“Well I never thought I would see the day that a Vulcan roll around in the hay if you know what I mean. Slap the ol’ woodpecker around with the cow that everyone in town rides. Milk that same cow while the cow enjoys it and moos like a sunofabitch. I mean cum” Bones explained to a confused, hurt-looking and shocked Uhura.

“NO HE AIN’T NEVA RIDE DIS PUSSY AND MAKE THOSE SOUNDS DIS SOME BULLSHIT!!”

They looked on in horror as the alien gripped dat nasty vulcan dick and squeezed it as Spock continued to drool, curse, and sweat.

The creature finally let go of Spock’s now bright green dick and skittered off. 

However, the drooling didn’t stop. It came in great streams, bubbling up and forming huge ropes that dripped all the way to the dirt. His eyes rolled up into his head and he managed to get up on his hands and knees, and started dry heaving. 

“SHIT! You fucking stressed him out Bones! I told you to stop shouting!” 

Poor Spock started turning green and puking bile onto the red dirt. 

“Well shit. BONES DO SOMETHING! I WONT HAVE THE BEST DICK IVE EVER HAD DYING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!” 

“Calm your titties Jim I’ll fix him up. Lemme see what I’ve got in my murse.” 

Bones inspected him with various whirring devices, stabbed him a time or two with a needle, and muttered things under his breath like “Hobgoblin…. Monkey ass…. I’m a damn doctor not a porno filmer…. Maybe in my dreams…… stupid shit stain….”

Uhura and Kirk watched him work in silence, both too scared to speak. 

“Shit”

“What is it Bones?” Kirk rushed forward, worry painted across his face. 

“He’s got blue balls. Or green balls. Or whatever the hell you wanna call it. If he doesn’t ejaculate those nasty Vulcan balls in 30 minutes or less he’s gonna die, and he’s gonna take us with him.”

“Oh lord,” Uhura said, turning away and trying desperately not to vomit. 

“Look away kids, daddy and daddy are gonna get it on,” Kirk said, unzipping his pants and he strode towards Spock. 

Kirk rolled Spock onto his back and his deep brown eyes stared lifelessly up at the orange sky.  
“Well, just another Wednesday,” Kirk said as he stripped off Spock’s and his own pants in a matter of seconds.

He reached up to stroke his thy’la’s face and whisper, “I’m sorry babe, gotta do what you gotta do.” 

Bones couldn’t stop staring with open mouthed shock. 

Kirk saw Bones out of the corner of his eye and growled, “Close your mouth you look like a cow chewing his cud!”

“Hey! I’m the only one who gets to use quaint southern idioms!”

“Shut the fuck up Bones I’m trying to save us here! Let me fuck my green assed husband here!”

“I’ll help,” Bones said, a bit too readily.

“WHAT THE HELL? We don’t need your help!”

“JUST LET ME FILM IT JIM! PICTURES OR IT DIDN”T HAPPEN!” 

Kirk lept at Bones and started tackling him, startling Uhura out of her shock.

“STOP IT YOU CHILDREN! We need to save Spock! Stop fighting and suck that dick!” she screamed, kicking the two of them. 

“Fine, fine jeez,” Bones said, rolling away from Kirk.

“Captain? Captain?” 

Kirk started as a voice chirped out of his communication device. 

“WHAT???? I’M GETTING BLUE BALLS HERE TOO!!”

“Aye Captain. Just checkin on ye mate. Thought ya might wanna beam back aboard the Enterprise but if you’re busy…”

“DAMMIT SCOTTY IF I DON’T SUCK THAT VULCAN DICK WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!”

“Aye Captain, I will nae ask ye right now, but you owe us an explanation when ye get back! Let know when yer done with that ol Vulcan cock!” 

“Okay, let’s just get this over with,” Kirk whispered to himself.  
Just as Kirk was about to put his mouth on that big ole Hulk dick, Spock’s eyes flew open and he sat up sharply. “Jim, we are not in our quarters, why are you attempting to perform fellatio on me at this time?”

“Well, we all thought you were going to explode…” 

“I’ll be fine Jim, I promise, we can wait until we get home,” Spock said softly, staring deeply into Jim’s eyes. 

“Okayyyyy I still think we should just let Jim suck the Vulcan off, for science I mean,” Bones said, stuttering a little bit at the end. 

“OKAY FINE LET’S DO IT!” Jim bellowed as he turned and tackled Spock back to the ground before he got a chance to button his pants back up. 

Bones and Uhura’s eyes went wide as they watched their captain suck the life out of their First Officer’s body through his dick.

Just as Spock was convulsing and coming all down Kirk’s chin, they rematerialized in the transporter room. 

And THAT is the story of how the entire crew of the Enterprise found out Kirk and Spock were banging.


End file.
